20 undeniable signs that you’re a foodie

  1. You would never forgo onions and garlic on a date, even if you think this might be the night you lose your virginity.

What is life without onions?

2. You open a wrapper of freshly roasted garlic and it smells SO much better than Chanel Number 5.

Some perfumes are offensive, but the smell of roasting garlic? Never!

3. You wake up on Sunday morning and ask for breakfast and sex in that order.

But first a tomato herb bagel with chive cream cheese.

4. Your friends from the office are all going to Chili’s for lunch. You claim to have a dentist appointment.

Thank you, but I’d rather have a root canal.

5. You once saw a French film, and you don’t remember anything about it except that the heroine put ice cream in her coffee, and you’ve never gotten over it.

Affogato is ice cream in espresso.

6. Someone says it’s not about the food, it’s about the company. You hear a snort and realize it came from you.

It’s always about the food. Who are they kidding?

7. You land in the hospital and go on a hunger strike until someone hands you three take out menus and a phone.

I must have menus from Mayan Cafe, Falafel House, and Cafe Classico, or I shall perish.

8. You order a bourbon and coke, but they only serve Pepsi. You change your order to a Heineken.

This or nothing

9. You order a bourbon and coke and all they have is Maker’s Mark. You change your order to a Heineken.

If you don’t have Elijah Craig, I’ll take Rock Hill Farms. If you don’t have Rock Hill Farms, I’ll take Bulleit. If you don’t have that, Knob Creek. Then whatever bottom shelf Wild Turkey is available. If you don’t have Wild Turkey, then, and only then, shall I resort to Maker’s Mark.

10. You not only know what mead is, you know that it is a wine and not a beer, and you also know where the nearest meadery is. (And you have already programmed your spell checker to recognize the correct spelling of “meadery.”)

George Washington never chopped down a cherry tree, but he has a cherry mead named after him anyway.

11. You have never gone to a college reunion because you are still bitter about the dining hall’s mystery meat. Which they referred to as “steak.”

Why should he have died for that?

12. You think you are in love, but you take her to your favorite Greek diner, and she orders nothing but a green salad, claiming that she doesn’t really like to eat in the afternoon. It’s breaking your heart, but this is just not going to work.

You need a woman with a healthy appetite.

13. You will go to any restaurant once. You have been to Chili’s.

Never again.

14. You will eat sauerbraten, eggplant puree, kimchi, tofurkey, clay pot chicken, hummus, pad Thai, goat, rabbit, and vegan burgers with equally high expectations. You know there is no bad culinary tradition, just poor ingredients and bad knife skills.

Korean tofu with vegetables

15. You not only know what quinoa is, but how to pronounce it. You also just programmed your phone to recognize the correct spelling of “quinoa.”

Quinoa salad with tomatoes and arugula

16. You know that the term “whole foods” does not refer to a grocery store. You mostly cook with them.

A foodie knows that a divine meal start with great wine and fresh-baked bread.

You have probably been to a farmers’ market.

17. You know that the shorter the ingredients list, the better the product.

Full product name withheld to protect the publisher. Product name begins with “Little” and ends with “pie.”

18. You know the floor plan of every Trader Joe’s, Lucky’s, and Whole Foods within ten miles of your current location.

19. You frequently order food online, because you just can’t find what you need in nearby stores.

20. You have been known to box half your entree and then order dessert. This has happened more than once.

Your entree can be microwaved. You’ll never get another chance at this lemon bomb.

Your results

Every one of these statements makes sense to you.

You’re a foodie! You may want to seek counseling.

Seventy or eighty percent of these statements make perfect sense to you.

You’re a foodie!

Ten to fifty percent of these statements seem about right.

You are probably a lovely person who prioritizes people and animals over food. Good for you!

You’re furious. All the above is wrong. Just wrong!

Dude, you are what you eat. You need to swap out the big Mac for some steamed asparagus seasoned with salt and lemon juice. It’s delicious.

Want to hire this writer? Email her at lynnmariehamilton@gmail.com.

One thought on “20 undeniable signs that you’re a foodie

Add yours

  1. You can certainly see your expertise within the work you write.
    The world hopes for more passionate writers such as you who aren’t
    afraid to say how they believe. All the time go after your heart.

    Like

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